Property of Sirius Black
by Belladonna Andromeda
Summary: Warning: do not touch. Offenders of this warning may find themselves to be attacked by a large black dog within several hours of unauthorized contact. SBRL


Name – Property of Sirius Black

Genre – Romance/Humor

Style – Marauder's Era

Warnings – Swearing, Slash/Yaoi,

Main Pairing – SBRL

Friendship Pairing – Marauders + Lily

_Warning: do not touch. Offenders of this warning may find themselves to be attacked by a giant black dog within several hours…_

000

James Potter was a very open-minded individual. He was one of those love-rules-hate-sucks kind of guys. The kind of guy who'd have no problem giving any kind of couple (whether elf and centaur or banshee and vampire) his blessing (as long as they kept their loving _far_ away from him anyway).

But there were limits to the kind of loving that James Potter accepted. First of all, it had to be consensual. Second, both had to be aware of the consequences of their relationship. So that ruled out pedophiles, rapists, stalkers and zoophiles. And third, both of them had to be happy. Because love was a beautiful thing, but cheating, abuse and drug additions weren't.

In other words, James Potter was a sappy idiot. One of those sappy idiots who were inspired by Shakespearian romances, happy endings and such.

That is why, when he noticed some behavioral changes in his best friend, that he did everything he could to try and penetrate his skull, which was as thick or maybe even thicker than his own, and get him to see that, yes, he was madly in love with Remus Lupin and, no, there was nothing he could do about it.

However, playing matchmaker between his two friends was something James quickly regretted. Why? Because reading Sirius Black was like reading a neon-highlighted commercial board in Las Vegas. Disgustingly easy. Well, for him it was anyway. But reading Remus Lupin, the almighty king of secrets himself, was like reading one of those 800 paged novels with no flashlight and no magnifying glass in dark room filled with people who seemed to think that it was their goal in life to interrupt him at any given moment.

And, of course, knowing that Sirius was the almighty king of drama himself, James had come prepared. With a box of tissues (if there would be crying), a set of earplugs (if there would be loud crying and dramatic complaints about how he was now doomed to a life of unrequited love) and a plan (in case Sirius managed to stay positive).

He had carefully worked out a foolproof plan that would surely make Remus fall head over heels with the love-drugged pup. He had proudly presented the plan to said love-drugged pup. But said love-drugged pup hadn't even listened to him, hadn't even _glanced_ at his perfect foolproof plan.

Because said love-drugged pup was under the impression that he could get Remus all by himself. How? By claiming him and threatening anyone who came near him until Remus realized that he had no other choice but to return Sirius' affection.

Now, it wasn't that James was against or even new to Sirius's stubborn self-proclaimed independence in each and every manner the mutt could think of. It was just that he was a tad bit worried that Sirius's own plan was a little too – what's the word? Forceful? Stupid? Illogical? Bound to leave someone traumatized? Yeah, those.

Not to mention that it completely crossed James' first rule of love. Sirius ensured him that his plan was very much according to the rules because he wasn't actually going to do anything until he had Remus's permission and it wasn't like he was threatening Remus himself. Which left James to ponder if threatening potential suitors wasn't the same thing.

So, alright, if that was the way Sirius wanted to play it then he left James no choice but to bring up the second rule. But the mutt simply chuckled, stating that they weren't exactly in a relationship yet. Of course, James came prepared, explaining, rather desperately, that Remus would never approve of the methods he'd used to get his hands on him. Sirius shrugged it off, confident that when he had Remus he would be too busy enjoying all the things Sirius had in store for him to complain about the possible damage he had caused others (Horn-dog).

Okay, finally, the third rule. Sirius had punched him for that one, angrily bitching on about how James had no faith in him and how dare he accuse his best friend of something as horrid as making the one he loved unhappy before stomping out to execute his plan, more determined than ever to make it work just so he could rub it in James's face.

Talk about ungrateful.

Really, what was Sirius thinking? Deciding, after sorting out his feelings for the werewolf (did he mention that it was only thanks to himself, the fabulous James Potter, that he had figured it out… or got it knocked into his bloody fortress of a brain) that Remus belonged solely to him. He couldn't just _claim_ Remus as if he were a chocolate bar or something! And what if Remus didn't even want to be his?

What if he wanted to be with _him?_ Because, let's be honest, who wouldn't want to be with the fabulous James Potter?

"Lily Evans?"

"Shut up, Wormtail."

No, really though, he had to put a stop to this. After all, it was partially his fault for invading the brain fortress with critical information that caused the entire kingdom of Padfoot to rebel. Now, as he spoke, the people of Padfoot were planning on conquering the lands of Moony… by eliminating the competition. Only kingdom Prongs and kingdom Wormtail could save them now.

"Alright, Wormtail." James said as he stood, raising his wand as if he were a knight brandishing Excalibur. "It's up to us!"

Wormtail, although slow on occasion, was more than aware that that stance meant trouble. Add that to the fact that they were about to take on Sirius of all people, the one who made up three quarters of the Marauders' mischievousness and had an army of fangirls at his disposal… He whimpered.

"Don't worry, Pete, you've got me." James said after spotting the look of utter horror across his friend's face, as if that would somehow comfort him.

Strangely enough, the fact that he was paired up with a love-crazy moron who displayed borderline obsessive stalking behavior around one particular redheaded female, had the concentration span of a coconut and could only be called a genius if you placed the word 'mad' in front of it, didn't comfort Peter in the slightest.

000

Did he mention the fact that James had the energy of a dozen kids with ADHD? Yeah, he had temporarily forgotten about that, but he was quickly reminded when the stag started off with a wild sprint down the stairs in search of dear Sirius. Peter hadn't even made it out of the Gryffindor common room when James was already scanning the Great Hall for either of the remaining Marauder members.

"There you are!" James whispered harshly when he spotted Peter dragging himself towards him, huffing and sweating. "Remus at 12 o'clock!"

"Where?"

"In front of you!" James hissed before putting on a casual face. "Hey, Moons, what have you been up to? Hiding away in the library again? Shame on you. You wouldn't happen to have seen Padfoot anywhere now, would you?"

Remus gave James an inquiring look. The kind that a mother would use on her child when she knows he's hiding something. Both James and Peter barely managed to keep themselves from gulping. "What happened?"

"Nothing!" James answered too quickly.

Remus's eyes narrowed. A clear sign that he didn't believe him. "What has Sirius done?"

"Nothing." James repeated.

"Yet." Peter added quickly.

"Yet." James echoed. "That's why we're looking for him, see. To stop him from doing-"

"Whatever you two usually encourage each other to do?" Remus interrupted with a soft smile.

"Yes!" It took James approximately ten seconds to figure out he was being tricked. "Be-because he promised me that he would include me." He laughed nervously. Remus's eyes narrowed even more. "But, eh, t-the bastard ran off without m-me."

"Really now?" Remus murmured. It couldn't have been more obvious that he knew James was lying through his teeth. "I have seen Sirius around actually."

"You have?"

"Yes, he's busy punishing a second year Ravenclaw for the horribly illegal act of brushing against me while on her way to class. How awful of him to have started without you."

James and Peter exchanged an 'oh bugger' look. "Uh, well, you see. The thing is-"

"The joke was that-"

"Not joke, _prank_."

"Right. The prank was that, that-"

"Whoever touches you gets a-a, um-"

"Well, not just _you_, but-"

'We'd thought it would be funny, you see. You know?"

Remus raised an eyebrow. "Right. Silly me, how could I have missed that?"

The sarcasm was so sharp that both James and Peter flinched. But Remus said nothing more as he walked pass them, on his way to the next class.

"He is _so_ on to us." Peter moaned.

"He knows that we're lying. He doesn't know why though." James said, though neither of them were convinced that it made much of a difference. "Where's that infernal mutt? I'll hex him into oblivion!"

"As if you could." A voice from behind the snickered with amusement.

James whirled around. He glared at Sirius. "You!"

"Remember me, do you? You're best friend and partner in crime? Good on you, Prongs."

"Not funny. You have to stop this right now!" James spat.

Sirius was unfazed by the tone, having more than enough experiences with it to have become immune to it which made James even angrier. "Why should I?"

"Because Remus is not impressed."

"You think I'm threatening people to impress him? I'm not that dim, you know."

"Well, maybe it's just me, but isn't impressing the object of your affection one of the keys of winning him over?"

"Yeah, because it sure worked for you, didn't it." Sirius answered with a snort.

"Stupid, arrogant, overconfident, snobby, egoistic sonofa-"

"JAMES POTTER!"

"Sorry, Professor McGonagall, but Sirius needs to get some sense kicked into him!"

"Oh, well, in that case, go ahead." McGonagall peered them over her glasses. "But keep the language civilized."

'Right!" James said fiercely and onlookers were strongly reminded of the vixen he had a crush on. He paid them no heed and rounded on his best friend. "You!"

"Still remembering me, are you?"

'Damn it, Padfoot!"

"MISTER POTTER!"

"Sorry, Professor!"

Sirius snickered. James could've killed him.

000

And that wasn't even the worst part. Within a week Sirius had managed to traumatize every single first year from every house, several second years, Professor Flitwick and the Bloody Baron.

The rest of Hogwarts was also, very suddenly and viciously, reminded that Sirius Black was a master in hexes, curses and other charms that meant utter humiliation. They also discovered that Remus Lupin knew quite a few as well after seeing the aforementioned miscreant walk the corridors with various things wrong with his appearance.

Not to mention James, who was also seen sporting rather unflattering _things_, and Peter.

And then, of course, there was Her Highness Lily Evans herself who couldn't help but join the fun and give the three (two who were completely innocent, or so they thought) sods a few hexes of her own.

And once there was even a great battle between the five in which no one was safe, except Remus and Lily, who managed to get away unscathed.

But did that stop Sirius Black from continuing the chaos? Of course not. What a question. Should be ashamed of asking. Not even the Howler from his mother (which had half lectured him on proper behavior and half complimented him on coincidentally managing to knock out a few muggle-borns) stopped him.

000

"He's ignoring us. Why is he ignoring us?" James grumbled. He was sporting a nose that would've made Pinocchio jealous.

"Because _someone_ got it into his head that helping an arrogant, cocky pup who knows _way_ too many hexes was a good idea. And, what do you know, the arrogant, cocky pup got it into _his_ head that chaos would have to be the best way to win Moony over and left us to cover for him." Peter snapped, his humungous hippo teeth making him sound a lot a less threatening.

"He's looking mighty sexy while ignoring us though. I think I'll piss him off more often." Sirius added a smirk to his threat, looking pointedly at Peter who sneered. Sirius simply wiggled his dog ears causing several nearby girls to sigh.

"Out of all the hexes that could have hit him among the mayhem, it had to be that one. Look at them!" James hissed. "They're practically having wet dreams and they're not even asleep."

"Or male." Peter added.

"What has that have to do with anything?"

"Yeah, Worms, you should know by now that when it comes to wondrous moi anything in the context of sex is possible."

"Don't." James warned Peter when he was about to retort. "You'll just make it worse."

Sirius sighed. "Sitting there, looking all sexy and sucking on his quill."

James grimaced. "Argh! Sirius, keep your perverted train of thought to yourself. No one wants to board it, so leave it."

"I don't know, Prongs, Satcher sure looks she wants a ticket."

Sirius sobered up. "What! Where is she?"

"Whoa! Easy there, mad dog."

"Don't tell me what to do, antler-head!" And he stomped off. James and Peter blinked after him.

"Antler-head? After him!"

"No running in the library!" Madame Pince snapped.

"We weren't running." James protested.

"Not yet, but you were about to."

"She's good." Peter admitted reluctantly.

000

"Moonshine, what are you doing?" Sirius exclaimed loudly, causing several students to glare at him. Male students, mind. The only glare the females ever gave him was the sexually frustrated kind.

"Well, you see, Padfoot. This is called 'reading'. Some people do that every now and then, you know?" Remus answered without looking up.

"Really now? How fascinating. And what does this 'reading' involve?" Sirius replied, playing along with his notorious killer smile.

"Well, it's quite easy. See the little symbols on the parchment?" Remus said, after giving Sirius a look that stated he was very suspicious and very immune to his charms. Damn it.

Sirius leaned forward despite being able to see 'the little symbols' from his earlier position. He leaned forward because, when his top buttons were undone and his (whack Christmas-y striped – had no one bothered to tell the Hogwarts designer that orange and red was _so_ not cool together) tie was undone as well, one could see a shimmer of silvery metal on either side of his nipples. If Remus had been a blushing blond bimbo, he would've gasped in delight and turned away with a naughty grin. Problem was, Remus wasn't a blushing blond bimbo, and, damn it, he wasn't even looking!

"Wow, symbols." Sirius muttered, disappointed by the lack of attention. 'And what do these symbols do exactly?"

"Well, they are used to bring speech onto parchment."

"Speech onto parchment, you say?" Sirius says as he glares doom and destruction at a poor boy who just wanted to ask Remus a question because he was too afraid of the mean old librarian. The boy stopped, glancing between Madame Pince and Sirius. He nervously slouched back towards the former, giving Remus a longing look as he went.

"Yes, it does. It's communication without using one's tongue."

Oooh, Sirius loved how Remus said 'tongue'. It was almost… suggestive.

"So if you'd like to keep yours I'd stop traumatizing fellow students if I were you."

…Well, it _had_ been suggestive, Sirius thought to himself in an attempt to comfort his ego. "I was doing no such thing." He denied automatically.

Remus gave him a look.

"He started it." Sirius mumbled.

Then Remus looked down… and inflated. "_Sirius Black!_"

"What!?" Sirius jumped, nearly falling out of chair.

"You – when – your ni-ni – what were you thinking?!"

Sirius pouted. "What? It's sexy."

"It's vulgar."

"It is _not_." Sirius paused. "Well, okay, maybe a little, but it's still sexy."

"You're underage! How and where did you get it?"

"Them." Sirius corrected, wincing when Remus spluttered. "I got both pierced. And you'd be surprised with what I can away with thanks to my last name."

"What else have you got hidden on your person that I disapprove of?"

"Um, nothing?" Remus glared. "Oh alright, I might have, you know, a couple of things you might disapprove of."

"Like?" Sirius pursed his lips, but remained silent. "Sirius, you better tell me or, Merlin help me, I will _strip you_."

"Strip me?" Sirius repeated with a grin. "Will you really?"

000

"Serves you right." James mumbled seriously, glaring at his best friend as he sulked in Potions Class . "And stay focused! If you stir one more time the thing's going to explode!"

"I can't! I feel their eyes on my back! Just waiting for the right moment to pounce." Sirius dared to take a peek over his shoulder. Every girl in the room was staring unblinkingly at him. "And I have no idea how to reverse the spell."

"You have to hand it Moons though. He sure knows his spells." James grinned. "And he knows exactly how to distract you."

"His very _existence_ is a distraction to me."

"Yeah, and he knows that."

"So why doesn't he know that I'm humiliatingly in love with him?"

"Maybe he does." James snickered. "But before you try figuring that out I'd cast some kind of protection charm around yourself because those girls in the front look ready for an assault."

"Damn it."

"And buy some armored underwear to protect your crotch."

"Shut it, Prongs." Sirius grumbled, pretending to study the recipe of the potion they were making while he was really trying to figure out how to reverse the spell Remus cast on him. "It's already bad enough that every female in Hogwarts can suddenly see through my clothes without you making fun of me."

"But that's what best friends are for!" James protested with a chuckle before pausing. "What makes you think only the girls can see you in your birthday suit?"

Sirius paled. "You're _kidding_. Please, tell me your kidding!"

"Nope. I'm not going to comment about the pieces of metal on your body nor the black tribals which are obviously the reasons for your punishment, but I can see every detail too." James looked down before blanching and looking up with a grimace. "Why do you think I'm only looking at your face. I think only the teachers can't see a thing."

Sirius looked ready to faint. Slowly, he lowered the textbook until it covered his family jewels.

"Yeah." James snorted. "That's not helping, Padfoot."

"It's not?"

"Not really."

"Fuck. And he didn't even choose me as a partner!" Sirius complained, hastily hiding behind the cauldron when one of the girls almost leaped. "He choose _her_!"

"He always chooses Evans as a partner when he's mad at you."

Sirius growled. "He's punishing us both."

"Damn it, he is." Sirius and James exchanged looks, sighed and continued to sulk. "This is all your fault."

000

"Evans!"

"Bla-!" Lily stopped, her eyes bulged before she slapped her hand before her eyes. "Dear Merlin!"

Sirius glared at her. "For your information, I am bloody gorgeous!"

"I agree." Whispered a passing brunette. "Love the piercing."

"Thanks." Sirius said with a smug smirk.

"Which one? I counted about four of them in the seconds of shock and potential early heart failure I experienced from seeing something that has me scarred beyond repair." Lily deadpanned, still shielding her eyes.

"Don't hate me because I'm beautiful." Sirius sniffed.

"Oh, don't worry, Black. I hate you for many different reasons. That's just one of them."

"You don't hate me at all. You're in denial, Ginger."

"Right. Of course, I am." Lily said sarcastically. "Now, why are you terrorizing my eyes?"

Sirius glared. "I am not 'terrorizing your eyes'. I am _healing_ them. I am _healing_ your eyes because frankly I don't really have a choice since Moonshine put a pretty complex curse on me which I had hoped you could counter."

"I probably could, but I won't. If Remus cursed you then you probably deserve it." Lily replied, as she walked away, only peeking through her fingers every once in a while to make sure she didn't walk into a wall. "See you at dinner, Black."

"Damn you, Ginger!"

000

"No." James said seriously. "I will not. I refuse."

"You can't refuse, Prongs."

"I can and I am. I will not help you in your deranged plan to conquer Moony's heart."

"Why not? You were so willing to help me in the beginning. What changed your mind all of a sudden?" Sirius shouted angrily.

"Yes, well, that was _before_ I found out that my best friend is an arrogant, ungrateful, overly possessive mess of canine chaos."

"Your _friends_ with me _because_ I am an arrogant, ungrateful, overly fabulous mess of canine chaos." Sirius said with a smirk.

"He's right." Peter added as he munched on his potatoes. "Though I'm not too sure about the fabulous part. I liked James's description better."

Sirius glared at him as James nodded smugly. "Score for me, Padsies."

"Oh, alright. So maybe my plan might be a tad too… unique for your taste." Sirius admitted angrily as he snatched a chicken wing out of Peter's hand and pointedly ignored his protests. "But, you have to admit, it's better than yours."

"There was nothing wrong with mine."

"Prongs, let me be honest with you. Poems, flowers, candy and pick-up lines only work in films. In real life, you'll be laughed at so hard that whoever you're victim was will spontaneously combust."

"You use pick-up lines."

"Yes. On braindead bimbos. They're surprisingly easy to please." Sirius muttered distractedly. "And even then I never use one who everyone and their grandmother knows."

Peter rolled his eyes. Sometimes he wonder if he should be ashamed that James and Sirius were smarter than him. His logical inner voice, which sounded suspiciously like Remus, told him that, yes, he should be very ashamed.

"Listen, all I want you to do is keep everyone away from Remus until I've managed to convince him that were soulmates."

"And all we want you to do is get it into your thick head that your plan will never work. So unless you want him to hate you for eternity and rile him up to the point where he'll consider Snivellus over you, I'd stop getting the rest of Hogwarts into this and just tell him you like him." James hissed.

"Just telling him I like him isn't going to work either. He'll get confused and awkward and all angsty. Too shy and insecure to realize that we are perfect together. That's why I have to make him wonder _before_ I've confessed. He needs to know that I am-"

"That you're what?" Peter asked.

But instead of answering like any normal person, Sirius jumped up from his chair and rushed down the dinner table to where Remus and Lily were sitting.

Peter and James exchanged looks. "Oh no."

"Please, don't tell me he's going to do something stupid again."

"I won't and, frankly, I don't need to."

"SIRIUS ORION BLACK!"

The two exchanged another look before dashing towards the scene. There they found Lily who tried to look angry, but was barely capable of concealing her amusement, Sirius who looked half smug, half scared, and Remus who looked absolutely vicious. Above Remus's head were the words 'Property of Sirius Black' with an arrow pointing down at him.

"Sorry, Moonshine, you know I'm a moron. And my initials explain the other half of my personality. And you know I'm no good with love and all that sappy romance. And I know I've pissed you off something awful, but I'm just trying to tell you that I love you." And with that (and a rather nasty look directed at a certain redhead) he pulled the fuming werewolf into his arms and kissed him.

James's eyes bulged, almost popping out of his sockets. Peter's jaw hit the floor. And Lily burst out laughing.

"I knew it!" She gasped in-between her chuckles and giggles. "I _knew_ it!"

"She knew?" Peter said shakily.

"She knew." James said sadly, while nodding. "She probably planned this as well."

A loud crack sound made all of them jump. Sirius and Remus nearly bashed their heads together and knocked themselves out cold, but all Sirius could do was laugh and laugh while Remus tried to glare at him and fight down his blush at the same time.

Everyone turned their heads to the headmaster. His eyes sparkled more than ever as he stood up. "Ladies and gentlemen, I have a few announcements to make. It would be very appreciated if couples would kindly keep their hands to themselves while dining. Also note that discrimination is not allowed at Hogwarts so any kind of couple is welcome as long as they keep to the rules. And, last but not least, it seems that Remus John Lupin is now the property of one Sirius Orion Black. Thus, a warning: do not touch unless given permission. Offenders of this warning may find themselves to be attacked by a large black dog within several hours of unauthorized contact. That was all."

James raised his hand in question.

"Yes, Mr. Potter."

"Could I disobey one rule for a moment?"

Albus' lips shook with the undeniable urge to smile. "Just this once."

And with that (and a particularly nasty glare to his so-called best friend) James pounced on Lily and snogged her senseless.

000

The following week people got used to seeing students with marks of possession walking around Hogwarts. The most notable being, of course, 'Property of Sirius Black' and, surprisingly, 'Property of Lily Evans'. And, when one would ask Remus Lupin, why he didn't give his boyfriend a mark of his own, they would get the reply: "I did." Accompanied by a mischievous smirk. When asking James, however, all they would get is a dreamy gaze and a moan which, more often than not, was a good enough answer.


End file.
